first funeral

my mind becomes blank when i think about it
death
inverse creation, tragic
a feast for the earth, the soil licking its fingers,
swallowing people in their little wooden boxes,
funeral processions with people crying, black shirts,
who’s fault is it?
mine or yours, it doesn’t matter because all of us are the same,
just waiting for that last day
the father tells us to pray, i smell his incense,
beautiful
his peaceful voice resonates and comforts and brings out tears
i remember being a kid
i remember last week when we ate dinner together and she put salmon on my plate, i said i can do it myself,
and she said instead of complaining you should thank your grandmother
i remember standing there and hearing people cry, a room full of sobbing, and the father said pray, pray at home and in church because her spirit will feel your words
i cross myself, it’s been a long time since i believed in god but i can understand why people do, now,
her face is looking up, peaceful and i swear i can see her chest moving, i swear i saw her breathe,
i have to look away, it’s my mind tricking itself who knows why
my mind is blank when i think about it
death
inverse creation, the end,
when we gather and set a place at the table for her,
with water and bread for nourishment during her next passage,
and her picture from years ago, looking at us from the past,
and we at her through teary blood-shot eyes,
we remember and tell stories, try to articulate who she was and what she meant to us,
we eat and drink, it’s quiet between toasts,
i’ve never witnessed so much quiet at a banquet table before,
it’s my first funeral
my mind is numb, it drifts away, i drink another, put my glass down, and pray.