Politics

I have debt like Greece

and I eat McDonald's like an obese teenager

I'm bringing back retro like a pager

Sir,

look me in the eyes

Let's compromise like the NBA lockout

50/50 is fifty too little,

like Omar, I respect civilians until they disagree

then I civil engineer their way to Siberia

I re-wrote the criteria for crazy and got re-elected

if you feel disrespected then write a letter to your congressman on toilet paper

and send it up your @$$

that's right, I love to recycle

the way my Land Rover cuts through the grass, the shitty city in my rearview

Mmmm, relaxing

I love taxing, and guns, and fine restaurants

foie gras to my left and black truffle to my right,

if you have kobe beef, I'm ready for a fight.

[uninspired by European politicians of the past 2 years]

heat wave

when I woke up,

my thoughts evaporated into the clouds

the clouds evaporated into the atmosphere

the atmosphere evaporated into the solar system

the solar system evaporated into the Milky Way

the Milky Way evaporated into a black hole

the black hole inverted anti-gravity and reversed the Big Bang

the universe began melting, like a candle

slowly dripping hydrogen and carbon,

the heat wave on Earth burned

and the sun swallowed our little planet.

[inspired by the heat wave of July 2011]

big plans

I've got plans
big, ambitious plans to get paid millions and run big things
I'll cause swings in the stock market by simply breathing
a sneeze would topple it all--
the world, the universe, every black hole
I'll have more ammo than OJ on parole
yes, big plans is what I got,
plans to take power into my own two hands and suspend reality,
I'll bend gravity and fly at the speed of light
I'll fight ... everyone,
yes, everyone
with fists made of steel I'll release a fury unseen since the start of time
oh, and I'm serious,
because I've got plans
huge, serious, colossal plans to prove everyone who has ever doubted me wrong
I'll write songs better than the Beatles,
I'll poke holes in accepted truths like needles
so you thought global warming was caused by carbon emissions?
wrong, pirates
so you thought this poem had a point?
wrong, it doesn't
so you think you can dance?
I don't know and finding out is not in my plans,
I've got more important things on my mind.

Best man speech

[Grant & Denise's wedding -- May 28, 2011]

My name is Dmitry and I have been one of Grant’s best friends since 2001, which is 10 years!

Over these long years, we have experienced some good times, and a few bad times.

It all started with a good time at the first Gallagher residence in East Brunswick,

We studied the history of Highland and Lowland single malt, did a little bit of interior redecorating, and woke up with just a bit of a headache,

That night solidified the fact that we would add many more good times to our collection of memories,

Like when we played acoustic guitar and smoked victory cigars on the streets of Seaside to celebrate graduating from high school

And all the ski trips, where our hanging out by the fireplace vs. actually skiing ratio reached 100% quite a few times

It's amazing to stand here as the best man at Grant’s wedding, when not too long ago we were celebrating Bacardi Tuesdays.

And I have a few more college stories.

In college, Grant did well in real classes like biochemistry and linear algebra, and he also held his own in the liberal arts world of Karl Marx and American party politics

It was impressive, considering he moved to a new country at age 18 and as a Scotsman was not at all familiar with what we, in this country, call “English”

Despite being threatened to take ESL classes at the Middlesex County College of Hard Knocks, Grant managed to earn a high GPA at Rutgers University and shock the college world with a groundbreaking invention: The Scottish Sleeping Method

For those of you not familiar with this method, it involves ignoring a sleeping bag and pillow, or even a spare bed, in preference of sleeping in an uncomfortable wooden chair while leaning on a desk, wall, or another household object

I’ll tell you this Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher--your son is turning out to be a pretty good scientist in this life, but in the next one he may use his uncanny balancing skills to become the next Dirk Nowitzki!

Now, I’d like to point out that -- despite our decade-long friendship and the fact that I have known Grant twice as long as Denise, he has never given me jewelry or planned a trip to Hawaii…

Seems like Denise got the good stuff, while I got a catfish in Virginia!

Let’s talk about Denise for a minute.

[boisterous applause]

You know, I remember the day I met Denise back in Baltimore...in fact, I may remember that day even better than she does.

Denise and Grant really fell in love almost right away, and I knew they would end up together. The fact that Grant liked a girl that liked Britney Spears was clear proof that the Scotsman found his future bride.

Today, I’d like to thank Denise -- for her patience, not only with her husband, but also with me and the rest of the insane Russian posse.

Before I close out my toast, I would like to point out one last point: today, we are exactly 7 days past the Rapture, which was last Saturday at 6 pm.

These two had the courage to schedule their wedding after the end of the world, and that is an impressive testament to their rational thinking!

But weddings aren’t about rational thinking, so I wish for you two eternal love and a bond that will outlive countless other prophesies, myths, and doomsday scenarios.

No matter what crazy thing happens in 2012, you will have each other and that’s what matters.

Cheers!

Overcast skies

Overcast skies, I analyze

balance sheets,

and cash flow ratios.

inspired by RJD2 on my headphones

all week long

coffee, snacks, and hypnotic tracks

beats drilling away

analysis in Excel lighting the way

to net asset value hypotheses

even the overcast skies inspire me

I analyze

payback ratios,

liabilities and management credibilities

projecting sales to infinity

Bloomberg would be proud

if he heard the sound of keys clicking on his terminal

at 4 in the morning,

crunching price targets and long/short pitches

my brain itches

and as I look up

the overcast skies, I realize

are just dark skies now.

[inspired by RJD2 - Here's What's Left]

Status Update

Status update: I’m bored with facebook.

Do you like, dislike, or care to comment?

Or have you already moved on to the next revelation on your feed?

Sorry, I thought you were hungry.

And I thought we were friends--

After all, we’re tagged in 30 photos together yet you can’t remember my birthday

… unless you sign in.

Maybe facebook replaced my brain

Or maybe Mark Zuckerberg drained your memory and replaced it with Farmville strategy

Either way, I’m bored with facebook

I know too much about people I barely know

I know the girl from High School English class just had a baby,

Awesome!

And I know my freshman dorm neighbor just moved to Texas,

Stupendous!

Oh, and I know that if I ran into both of them on the street today, I would not recognize either one,

so… what’s the point?

Am I just one of 500 million cyber-stalkers roaming the internet?

Am I crazy?

I don’t know,

but if I figure it out, check my twitter for the answer!

#ohsnap

all for nothing

I falsified my name and changed my DNA to a triple helix
I filled my head but my brain is untrained, fenceless and unpreserved,
like Brazilian wildfires it will be heard
hear?
see?
these shades are blinding me, draining me,
leaving momentarily but coming back with a vengeance,
violently filling the streets like offshore bank accounts,
and I can't help but think it's all for nothing.

where am I?
that's easy.
I'm writing poems with a gun and holding hostages with a pen while shooting up and crashing like a meteor
I falsified my identity to escape and can you blame me?
I have fake passports and satellites in the sky filling my eyes with evidence of wrongdoers like the mob in Boondock Saints,
but
I don’t care
whenever they’re killing, I’m crying
whatever they're selling, I'm buying,
whatever you ask me, I’m lying
so quit trying
I’m done
I erased my identity and replaced it with kerosene
do you want a light?
forget it
there’s no point when you don’t even see the tunnel.

let it be reprise

When I find myself in times of trouble, I realize she won't come to me like in the Beatles song, or at all.
Actually, she might run away and quickly replace me with a new jacket or pair of shoes.
Damn.
Darts isn't what I wanted to play but now I'm red and something is flying right at me,
better duck and get out of the pond
it's wet and dangerous and... why would anyone even want to go there in the first place?
Good question, better answer but I'm not telling
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
OK fine
When the night is cloudy, a light shines in front of me,
shines until tomorrow to help me see
to see everything clearly
incredibly, I ... closed my eyes,
deeply
until I saw a picture appear
it was born when her hands vacillated in my mind under streaks of eight primaries
the cold air around me melted like paint and then she did it again, and again
the song ended and she finished creating me and destroying me
with fireworks
Boom!
and then it was over and nothing else happened.

a Dmitrian haiku

I am a Shell of my future self until I get taken over by Exxon, Mobil, and lukewarm soil
but I will stay afloat, on top of it all
like topsoil.