Refugee

It had to come to an end too soon.
there were long goodbyes (if an entire day can be called a goodbye)
there were tears. Of course there were boxes
many, many boxes. They were stacked up geometrically
like giant bricks, side by side.

It came suddenly
but somehow it made sense. We wanted to change history
and ignore reality.
Finally there was a long plane ride. Actually, two.
First to some big city across the Baltic Sea in Finland,
then to Newark, New Jersey.

The breeze blew outside like the breeze almost anywhere in Latvia.
Once, I called this country home, with all the memories
that were staying back between the cracks of the stacked boxes.
My name was still Dmitry, although I had heard that
in English this name did not exist. It existed in Russian
and in Latvian, probably even in German.

We left quickly, like a pre-emptive military maneuver.
Many people stayed behind, people about whom
it is difficult to talk about because they are the
ghosts of my life. They never left this world, still alive
just half a million miles across an ocean away.
The places also stayed, monuments to a pool of memories
that contradict history.

I was never there.

My family was liquidated, and I do not know
if they all knew it or not, but they had to.
They had to know that the rosy language of democracy
could not cover the stench of intolerance and hatred.

There was a five-story mural of Lenin painted on the
wall of the main school-building, one that I saw every day
until it was painted over with gray paint during third grade.

My friends stayed behind, my first soul mate,
and a simple life of safety and ignorance.

In the summer, the days are usually warm but sometimes
the nights get chilly. Then you have to go inside,
to catch a nap or at least borrow the blankets for a while.
During the summer my cousin Alyosha and I did this often.
We wandered through empty paths on the river-shore
or we went into the woods where the sunlight pierced
through armies of evergreens, with nothing on the ground
except mushrooms and small brown ants.
The river was warm for swimming and exceptional
for hiking on paths near which cherry trees leaned from
yards and apple trees bloomed nearby.
Of course, hunger is proportional to exertion,
so raspberries and strawberries, as well as
peas and potatoes, were consumed to maintain our energy.
There were two stores, which we called the near store and
the far store.
Nearly two years ago, while visiting as a grown adult, I discovered
that the far store was only about ten minutes
walking distance away from the near store
and nearly visible.
Before, I though it was at least a half-hour
hike to get there, and the hike back twice as long
because of the bags.

On special occasions, I went to the
Baltic shore for rest and play. The sea is calm,
more like a giant lake than a sea. The sand is
soft and fine, and the beach strip is thin and
looks remote in most places except for the
entrance from the woods. A forest runs parallel
to the shore, with widely spaced evergreen trees.
It spills abruptly into sand dunes and sharp
beach plants whose name I forget.
On a busy day, the beach is packed with
little kids, the elderly, the young and old
each with a share of the Baltic sunshine.
Some kids have ice cream cones,
some adults have cold beers.
Some play soccer on the beach closer to water,
some play volleyball in the heat.
The sea seems to spread endlessly,
but I know that we live on the Baltic bay and
that the Baltic Sea of the Swedes, the Dutch,
and the Russians is quite different.
Also, I know that the Baltic Sea ends,
eventually
and becomes something else.

When they stopped flying the red flag of CCCP,
I knew something was wrong.
People were talking about it,
and there was constant news
about the Russian occupation
the first time this word was used publicly.
They wanted a revolution
They made it predictably
by crushing the aura of history
and by re-writing it
without the old heroes.
We were not a part of the old
that was too long ago
but we were the residue of history.
Not part of the new.
That was the only battle
my father has ever lost
it humiliated him and the rest of us
made us realize that big brother
was not watching or maybe he just stopped caring.
Because there was no greater power to save us.

When we left, I felt bad that my friends would
not be there when I got to see America.
By raising the standards of living for its people
and showing military power, the United States
built a world-wide reputation as being a
good place to live.
There were high buildings, big universities,
millions of people, and many computers.
Interestingly, no one ever spoke of racial diversity
as a significant trait of America's unique character.
When I came, seeing so many different colors
in the same school-building was puzzling.
In Latvia everyone was white
and the schools were separated between Russians and Latvians.

That day was humid, cloudy all across the sky,
and wet on the ground from rain. I think it was warm.
Clouds were different in New Jersey. They were further away,
more spread out, and with less peaks due to their higher altitude.
Although the size of Newark airport dwarfs
the only international airport of Riga, it did not seem that way.
Everything seemed small; everything was in its right place,
without towering buildings or confusion.
After more than 18 hours in the air, the long day was finally over.